Dear Future Wife

"Women are always throwing themselves at me. The problem is, they throw like girls." To weed out some of the candidates, here are some attributes my future wife absolutely must have:

• Owns the CD: Jurassic Park (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack);

• At one time in her life, has had Cheeto dust in her cleavage;

• Has at least 200 movies in her instant queue and no fewer than 9 full pages of apps on her phone;

• Sits when she pees;

• Also thinks Lady Antebellum is a brand of disposable razors; and

• Doesn't mind being Luigi.

These qualifications aren't completely unreasonable. Plus, they're totally negotiable if she's super skinny with a huge rack.