Response to my sisters' email to set me up with their new friend, a contributing blogger for HuffPo:

Me: One of her blog entries has a misused word in the first line, so NOPE SHE'S OUT.

Sister: Good luck in life.

Failed Musicals

• The Sound of Mucous

• Wicked Awesome  

• Guys and Blowup Dolls

• Annie Get Your Gunt

• Oklahomo!

• Porgy and Best Buy 

I can't be the only one...

Am I the only one who’ll buy something really expensive from Target that I don’t want or need, then immediately throw away the receipt, so that when I return it, I get a big fat gift card as store credit and use it as an excuse to go on a Target shopping spree like it’s the day after Christmas? Anyone? No? So just me then?

And if you’ve never tried this, but you’re addicted to Target and always feel guilty about spending so much, you’re welcome.

Rectum? Damn near killed him!

I finally get to enroll in my company’s health plan. Just in time too, because I am gonna go seriously balls out this weekend with some reckless drinking and irresponsibly dangerous behavior.

But now I have to pick my primary physician and the medical group has pictures of all their doctors on their website. Do I go for the hot chick doctor? (Kinda serious question.) Those examination rooms can get pretty cold, if you know what I mean.

Also, finally getting health care moves me up the success rankings among my friends, finally passing Justin. And it’s not just because I have coverage through Aetna, a respectable health plan, but because it includes dental. This is a real shame and shortcoming for Justin, since he tends to suffer a lot more face trauma.

I’ve decided to go with the Austrian doctor. Now I just have to worry about him Human Centipede-ing me.

Useless Online Degrees

• Architecture, with an emphasis in pillow forts

• Office Politics 

• Minor in Caffe-Americano Studies

• Friend Zoning

• Manolescent Development

• Masters in Baiting

• Cursive

Why it's Christmas Day, sir!

Artwork courtesy of Justin Veiga.

”My hate is general, I detest all men; some because they are wicked and do evil, others because they tolerate the wicked, refusing them the active vigorous scorn which vice should stimulate in virtuous minds and for constantly reblogging their stupid shit.”

              — Molière, Le Misanthrope du Tumblr

"They hold hands like other people say I love you.”

              ~ Someone, about me and my future wife and/or life-sized sex doll, probably.

Indie Rock Cookies

• Pecan Sandy Warhols

• The Shin Mints

• Ratatagalongs

• The Killsbury

• Alexi Murdocolate Chip

• Aimee Mannimal Crackers

• Ginger Snappy Mondays

• Ted Leo and the Pepperidge Pharmacists

• Modest Tollhouse

• OreOK Go

• Chips Ahoy Division

Anti-Social Networking

Welp, that was a Saturday night of un-checking statuses as ‘Top Stories’ on Facebook well spent.

Alright Hot Chicks, I’ll write a funny comment for your status, but I’m deleting it after the eleventh guy I don’t know posts something stupid after me.

"We occupied Wall Street first."

'the f**k?

Time to go on a diet. None of my condoms fit anymore.

Anyone know where I can get some really good gluten-free crystal meth? Like really good?

Actually I like insomnia better because it’s cheaper than meth…and meth is super cheap.

"Speak a little louder next time... I'm a trifle deaf in this ear."

Been watching Jumunji, Goonies, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Nightmare Before Christmas, and Corpse Bride. But they were on ABC Family so with all the commercials it took 17 months to finish them.

I also finished my Halloween costume this weekend. Do the other two segments of this Human Centipede make me look fat?

And how much Newsies youtubing before bed at 4am is too much Newsies youtubing before bed at 4am?

By the way, the "This Is Our Time" speech in Goonies has inspired me more than any political speech I've ever heard.

Cow Films

• Being John Milkovich 

• The Motorcycle Dairies 

• Cheese The One 

• Air Cud

• Graze Anatomy 

• Moo Got Served

• Waking Ned Bovine

• Beefer Madness

• Dial M for Burger

• The Bull Monty

• Blast from the Pasture

• The Udder Sister

• Glendairy GlenRoss

• For Whom the Cow Bell Tolls

Left My Phone At Home Today...

Forgot my phone at home today. Felt kinda neat to not exist for a day.

Forgot my phone at home today. Green pigs lulled into false sense of security.

Forgot my phone at home today. Forgot how boring going to the bathroom is.

Forgot my phone at home today. Good news: I left it plugged in so it finally went all day without dying.

Forgot my phone at home today. Kept trying to pinch zoom my yellow legal pad.

Forgot my phone at home today. Quick! Someone tell me what's going on with Libya/Kardashians!

Forgot my phone at home today. Couldn't Shazam the muzak playing while on hold with Kaiser.

Forgot my phone at home today. Stayed busy at work by writing 'Forgot My Phone At Home' jokes.

Hipster Jesus

He walked on coconut water.

He told the parable of the mustard seed and amaretto spinach salad.

He lived among the poor and the meek but his robe was really expensive.

He turned water into two PBR's.

He only reads demo scripture.

He turned the other cheek before it was cool.

He gave the Sermon on the Nikon Lens Mount.

He died for your cardigans.

Company Ink.

Click here to check out my new Tumblr.

"Dip your pen in my Company Ink...........
 ............Office Art on Company Time."



Since I started working, I haven't had much time for blogging. ("THANK. F**KING. GOD!" ~everyone.)

So, like most tortured artists forced to take a day job, I've started sketching on post-its and legal pads. So bohemian.




One a day. Check it out. Appreciate some "corporate art."

Top 4 Shark Week Moments

As we approach the closing of the High Holidays for Discovery Channel geeks known as Shark Week, I wanted to recognize a few of the most Shark-tastic programs from this year's week of nautical carnage. Not all of specials premiered this year, but they were new to me, and way too good to leave off this list.

4. Air Jaws II: - Along with the token Jaws movie references, Shark Week wouldn't be Shark Week without some serious air shark footage. We've seen it a thousand times by now, but seeing a great white breech attack never gets old. You wanna feel bad for these seals, but if there's a Discovery Channel crew a super slow-motion camera nearby, then they're gettin' eaten and I'm gonna cheer every time.

3. Into the Shark Bite - This one premiered last year but the footage was too good to pass up. This show gave us some incredible glimpses into the actual bites of some of the deadliest sharks on earth from some very unique angles--including some actually inside the shark's mouth! Though the 'experts' hosting this show were a little amateur-ish at first, their "awesome!"-s and "Woah!"-s were totally justified when their specially designed equipment captured shots of a trailing shark on the hunt with their "tow camera" and a rare head-on shot of a great white's from-below breech attach with their "seal camera."

2. Rogue Shark - We wouldn't have Shark Week without the movie Jaws. Like everything else scary and misunderstood by humans, we respond by killing it. And it wouldn't be a Shark Week without at least one show centered around the scientific validity of the movie classic that started it all. This show attempted to verify or debunk the well-known theory of the rogue shark: a solitary, territorial predator who deliberately targets humans as food. A perfect combination of pop culture shark myth, scientific investigation and seriously some of the gnarliest reenactments of shark attacks I've ever seen on Shark Week (and I've seen A LOT) that may confirm the theory. 

1. When Fish Attack 3 - If the crazy-ass raw footage of this great white attacking, entering and getting stuck in a shark cage wasn't enough to put this show at number one, then he went and did this. (Gonna have to call it 'SHART Week' if they wanna top this next year.)

Also, I'm giving an honorable mention to this commercial for shark week sponsor: the Gillette Fusion Proglide.

"Do Work, Son!" - God.

I start my new job on Monday. And to everyone who didn't support my blog so I could live off the ad revenue for just a little longer: Thanks a zill, Dicks.

And of all the weeks to stop sitting at home watching TV all day, it had to be Shark Week.

Hopefully this job involves a lot of Facebook stalking and Google image searches of animals that look like celebrities. Otherwise I'm probably totally under-qualified.

As much as I love sitting on my ass doing nothing all day, it's time to grow up. I'll still be on Facebook just as much, but now I'm charging for my services. $1 for a 'like' and $2 for a comment. Original wall posts, now those'll cost ya.

I wanted to enjoy my last weekend of freedom, but it looks like I'm gonna be super busy deleting all the Loony Tunes from my DVR to make room for Shark Week. SHARK WEEK!!!!

Cowboys & Aliens Series Installments

I can't wait to see the western/sci-fi action pic this weekend Cowboys & Aliens. But I'm even more excited for the future installments in the series:

• Cowboys vs. Predator

• Dumb & Aliener

• Cowboys and the Hendersons

• Monsters vs. Cowboys

• Cowboys & Aliens: In It to Win It

• Cowboys vs. Kramer

• Gnomeo & Aliens

• Cowboys & Aliens: SVU

• Cowboys & Tiaras

• Cowboys and the Deathly Hallows

• Aliens & Indians

• The Man Who Shot Liberty Alien

• Cowboys & Other Drugs

• Freddy vs. Aliens

• Cowboys Meet The Jetsons

• Cowboys & Aliens 2: The Streets